I don’t like not knowing things. I like to have a plan, a schedule, and a back up itinerary. I really do not like unknowns. Lately I have been prayerfully considering the next step for my life. I’ve been looking at a couple of colleges, considering apartments in my town, just checking out my options.
A few days ago, I went to register for classes at the community college near my house. The whole way there, I kept thinking “I shouldn’t be doing this. I don’t think this is what The Lord wants for me, I need to just go home.” I was very bothered about it the whole time I was there. I tried to reapply, but the web page wouldn’t load. The girl who was helping me kept saying “I don’t know what’s going on, this never happens, I’ve never seen this before.”
My first thought was “This is a sign from The Lord!” Finally, after about the sixth time we tried to get it to work, the page finally loaded, but the semester I was trying to register for wasn’t available yet. I gave up, and drove home. I called my mom, who is my most trusted advisor when anxiety is trying to beat me down. I told her what had happened at the school, and what I thought about it, and asked for her opinion. She told me that she didn’t think she could answer that question for me, she said she didn’t want to advise me of something she couldn’t be sure of. When my dad got home, Mom suggested I tell him about it. I recounted the whole episode for my dad.
He asked why I went if I thought The Lord didn’t want me there. I told him I didn’t want it to be a decision I made lightly. He said “If it was me, I wouldn’t have done it. If I felt like it was The Lord trying to tell me something, I would have turned around and went home. Don’t try to put square pegs in round holes.”
When I questioned him about my other school option, and my lack of finances to afford it, he told m to pray, that maybe The Lord had something else planned for me. There it is – the dreaded Third Option. Friday I got laid off from my job, which has opened a whole other can of options. Monday I went job hunting, and then stopped in at my mom’s work and just cried. My anxiety was beating me up about this job hunt, reminding me of all my short comings, telling me all the reasons I wouldn’t get hired. My wonderful mother, of course, had a plan. We wrote a list of all the places to apply in person, the places I would have to apply online, and noted the places I would need a resume for. It was color-coded, high-lighted, and symbol-ized. (Thank The Lord for the woman who understands my right-brain personality!) Today, I typed up a resume. It is not color-coded (sadly), but it is organized! It made me feel slightly less accomplished when I got to he “education” portion, because I haven’t earned a degree in anything- yet.
But, it is finished, and that’s something. (Yes, it did take me all day to complete. I’ve never made a resume before. Baby steps, yall, baby steps!) While the myriad of options is terrifying for me, I know that The Lord has a plan, even I can’t see it yet. I need to be praying fervently, something I’m not good at when it comes to stuff like this. I like to be in control! I like to know what’s going on, Lord! Show me what You have planned, so I can accomplish it! But that isn’t how He does things in my life. I need to take a step back, and ask Him to direct my paths, so I won’t stumble on my own.
Lord, help me to remember that You are in control of my life. Remind me that You are sovereign, and You are in working on my life to reflect what You would have me be.